Chaos, a word with immense transformational power, a word that when given life can create fear and a word I do not like to associate with my home. Yet here it is, I am standing in it; it is knee-deep, contains the remains of a joy filled weekend, and it is mine to create order from. Where do I begin?

First, I reflect on the words of a wise woman I read only last week, “This is your gentle reminder that you are not in control, that someone is looking out for you, wanting to get your attention – and most importantly, that when life does not go as planned, it is, always is, a good thing.” (Kasha Ritter, 2005) That helps, especially since it is so clearly evident as I survey the toy-strewn floor and the overflowing sink of dishes that I am most certainly NOT in control here. Where did I go wrong (right)? I intended on waking early Saturday morning and doing all my chores before my son woke up so we could spend the day hiking with friends, then with fun crossed off the list I could attend to all those other important matters. That was The Plan. The Plan failed to manifest and showed signs of deterioration immediately on Saturday morning when warm feet and a good book kept me under the covers until 9:00 am.

Somehow we made it to our friend’s house by eleven, where once again, fate stepped in, and the simple discovery that the sled hill still works when the snow is gone led to hours of pulling the toboggan up and down right in the back yard. We did eventually go hiking, I think we even made it five or six hundred meters down the trail, we picnicked, peeled logs, discovered tracks, a new waterfall due to runoff, and a bridge from which to recreate the game of ‘Pooh Sticks’, invented by that bear of eternal contentment and blissful now reality.

The entire weekend followed this pattern, and here it is Sunday night. There are those darn chores calling out to me, the to-do list that grew a few inches, even when neglected so completely for two days, and that fearful creature called a weekday that must be contended with in a mere nine hours. I again return to the words of that wise woman as she guides me further, “So, the next time your day ‘falls apart’, pause, say thanks, and enjoy the ride.” Now I feel my body relax as I look over at my son, who with the help of his friends created the natural disaster in our living room; his peaceful sleep comes from another day well-lived in which all possibilities where explored and heart- based desires followed. I am thankful, and I most certainly enjoyed the ride; within an hour the mess will be gone, and I will join him in the dream world.

Join me in two weeks as I explore developmentally appropriate responses to our children.

Blessings,
Georgia

In the past, discipline has been used in a heavy-handed way to control the actions of others. In fact our culture still often uses discipline in this way and it is this heavy handedness that I react to. Choice, autonomy, freedom and self-expression are valuable needs to me and I have been vocal about this since I was a young child. I reacted to attempts at discipline with fierceness that I did not understand until I was an adult. Now I understand that I needed to trust that I would be heard and respected, that my right to make choices was protected. I also understand now that children need the firmness of discipline in order to feel secure and loved.

To bring together my understanding of the needs for security and choice in relation to discipline I decided to research other people’s work on discipline; beginning with the work of Magda Gerber at http://www.rie.org/discipline.htm. Magda approaches discipline of children from a place of understanding children’s developmental needs, parents and caregiver’s responsibilities and the long-term implications of our choices in raising children. Magda begins with a definition of the word disciple, which I have paraphrased here. Discipline has at its root the word disciple: one who learns from and carries forth the work of a learned master. Discipline is therefore the work set forth by the master to guide and correct the actions of the disciple. I feel more relaxed when I look at discipline in this context as well as slightly alarmed at the implications this holds for me as an adult caring for and guiding young children.

The relaxation comes from my taking a word, an idea and giving it new meaning; holding it to the light for re-examination and finding the jewel hidden inside. Of course as young children we come to the world needing varying degrees of care and structured guidance. Without this our development is stunted; we can grow outwards but never grow up. The form or structure of discipline allows us to progress to higher levels of achievement which in turn releases us from the need for that form and structure. When we bump up against the walls of discipline we know someone cares enough about us to stand between us and danger or discomfort and then bolstered by that knowledge we are encouraged to shift our responses to ones that supports our continued development. My understanding of discipline in this way helps me welcome it into my life so I can continue to grow while guiding the children in my life as well.

I am also deeply humbled by the thought of discipline as a guiding of the disciple. I question my right to be in such a role and wonder if I have truly learned enough to guide others. I have begun to understand that much of the discipline I use in work and at home is in fact the example I lead by. The way that I speak to others, the caring I provide, the food choices I make, the rest I take; everything I do is a form of discipline that I am sharing with the children. As Teacher and Parent I step into the role of master and I must be prepared for this each day; which includes, understanding when it is time to firmly guide, redirect and stop behaviours that are not in the best intetest of the child, myself or others involved in the situation. When I am using discipline in this more overt form there needs to be a resolve in my decision that is conveyed through my words, my body and my actions. Discipline does not require anger but it does require resolute, consistent and conscientious attention to the situation as it presents it self. I have a better understanding of discipline now that allows me to meet each challenging situation or behaviour with an inner understanding of my role in guiding the outcome. Discipline is no longer a word I react to with fear and loathing instead I welcome the opportunity for growth.

Instead, with a bucket of chocolate soy ice cream (each) in hand, we returned to bed and read ‘Harry Potter’ for four hours. By noon we emerged, slightly confused, into the ‘real’ world, which after four hours absorbed in Joanne Rowling’s fascinating world of witches, muggles, and Quiditch practice no longer felt real. We stumbled into the kitchen for some more nourishing food, and spent the afternoon creating new family recipes. Some worked some didn’t but Raven was so proud of his recipes and new flavour combinations that we ate them all. (Ever had tofu with three tablespoons of cinnamon, tomato sauce and Tamari? - Don’t)

Full of food and ready to greet the day we moved outside to the remaining piles of snow, remnants of shoveling off the roof mid winter. Sledding quickly turned into a snowball fight that left the two of us rolling around the muddy yard laughing until it hurt. My son, being eight, is so completely alive in the moment, that he responded to this focussed attention with complete abandon. He jumped into it, embraced it, reveled in it, and finally relaxed into; it knowing that today it would last.

That night we fell asleep, not at eight when the clock and the schedule demanded, but at some unknown time when we were tired. Exhausted actually, the kind of exhaustion that comes from a deeply satisfying experience fully lived. The next morning started much the same minus the ice cream. Something was different though, Raven was sad for a good portion of the morning and when I finished reading he expressed a deep frustration by throwing the book, stomping around and yelling for twenty minutes. Finally, he collapsed on the couch in tears, anger spent to be replaced by the underlying sadness.

While I sat with Raven listening to his quieting sobs, I reflected on the past two days and the freedom we both felt in following our hearts. I realized he had felt so loved, so held and cared for that he found the space to express and release pent up emotions. It was beautiful and as connecting for us as the laughter and play had been. When he was done, I held him close until he fell to sleep, his body soft and relaxed from the release of tension.

Finding time for our children takes on new meaning when we look at the multitude of short and long term benefits we all receive from the nourishing connections that are created and sustained. We may be greeted with hard to hear words and actions from our children during this time but I suggest we take that as a sign our efforts have been appreciated. Our children feel safest when they know they can express themselves freely, our love unconditional and accepting. It doesn’t have to be a full weekend, even half an hour of a parents full presence can create enough safety and space for a child to feel comfortable to share hidden parts of themselves.

Join me next time as I explore chaos in the home.

Blessings, Georgia

The care and concern behind our words of praise are, for the most part, genuine and convey to our children our emotional reactions to their success. But what else does praise convey? Is it telling the children that they have the skills, perseverance and knowledge to accomplish the same task again and others that are more difficult? Are the children’s self esteem bolstered and their drive to challenge themselves reinforced? That is the hope and often the intention of praise, yet recent research is pointing in the other direction; telling us in fact that generalized praise can have the opposite effect than we are hoping for.

Alfie Kohn has written a number of books that look at the use of praise at home and in the classroom. His book “Punished by Rewards” provides the reader with an in-depth look at the use and abuse of praise in child rearing and education. Both Kohn and researcher Carol Dweck have done extensive research on the short and long term effects of praise. Their research highlights the negative impact our expressions of praise have on the children’s belief in their own skills and abilities. Contrary to popular belief, the use of praise can actually de-motivate a child as they struggle to bring into balance our words of praise and their real life experiences, which will inevitably include disappointments and failure. Children hear generalized praise and begin to develop a false understanding of intelligence and learning.

When we place children in accelerated programs, label them as gifted and shower praise upon them, they come to believe that intelligence is a fixed ability unrelated to effort; a birthright rather than a skill that can be developed. Generalized praise has been shown to act as a deterrent to increased effort and attempting tasks that may prove to be too difficult to master on the first try. Children gifted in a variety of skills can lose their drive to push themselves to learn more and come to rely upon the adults to provide many of the answers.

On the other hand, children who are praised for specific, repeatable behaviors that focus on the effort they used to accomplish a task, experience a spike in self-esteem that translates into a desire to increase efforts regardless of eventual outcome. The children given specific praise will attempt and even enjoy the challenge of a task that is beyond their ability to successfully complete. Further research has shown that this effect can be reinforced when the children are given information about the development of the brain and how repeated effort can create new neural pathways. These children are learning that intelligence is malleable and that they are in control of increasing their skill base and performance at school.

How do we as adults shift out of the use of habitual non- specific praise? How do we express our excitement, joy and love when our children experience success? Praise is one way we create connections with our children and help direct their behaviour and I am not suggesting that we abandon it completely. Rather, I am suggesting that adults widen their definition of success to include times when a child has exerted an effort and not obtained the final goal and learn how to use specific praise that focuses on efforts made. In this way we can continue to share our feelings when our children succeed and at the same time support our children in developing self-driven motivation to continue learning. For more information about the use of praise please visit the following web link; http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ .

Join me next time as I explore the beauty of uninterrupted family time and the connections that are created.

Blessings, Georgia

Schools have long been the place where our children’s social skills; or lack of, have been brought to the forefront. Many would even suggest that the most important learning done at school is the social learning. It is important to note; that if this is the case, we must also recognize that this learning is largely done unguided by adults. While the curriculum focus suggested by the governing bodies of local school districts continue to focus on future work-place skills the children continue to be the social creatures they are and explore this world of human interaction on their own. I have been learning about four separate programs in my community aimed at supporting children socially.

Many local preschools have been implementing a program called Safe Spaces that aims to bring early awareness to children and their caregivers; (including families), about issues such as exclusion and bullying. This program has met with enormous success as demonstrated in classrooms in which all children are valued for the contributions they make. Children are being guided with caring support in creating a compassionate space in which all people are physically, emotionally and socially safe. This careful guiding is something adults have done when teaching children to speak, dance, swim and play and I applaud those who are now recognizing the importance of guiding social interactions with the same awareness and care.

Several local public school have begun to implement both the work of Barbara Coloroso (www.kidsareworthit.com) and Sue Hart/Victoria Kindle (http://k-hcommunication.com/) in supporting a healthy social environment. Using local trainers and written work by Coloroso and Hart the schools have educated the teachers and assistants in how to direct social interactions in a manner that supports each child. Our complacency in allowing difficult and often dangerous social interactions to occur is named by Coloroso and proactive solutions are suggested. The adults in these schools have taken up the challenge and our children are reaping the benefits through increased feelings of safety and confidence at school and a wider social circle that embraces diversity.

Waldorf schools in North America have turned towards Kim John Payne an experienced teacher and counselor for direction in how to manage the social situations at their schools. Kim’s work (Link here) has focused on redirecting children’s behaviour in the moment as well as creating a no blame atmosphere that allows each person to express their experience and decide upon a solution for future interactions. Waldorf schools that have implemented this program for a number of years are seeing drastic enrollment increases specifically linked to the socially supportive environment that is offered.

What would it cost the rest of us to place social learning at a place of importance equal to the other subjects learned at school? Certainly the teachers would be required to update their knowledge; investing time and possibly money to learn the skills needed to carefully guide children through the social environment. School districts would need to respond with openness to the importance of social skills in children’s life and would also need to free up resources for teacher and staff training. As parents we too would need to acknowledge the value of developing social skills to ensure the teachers are supported in their work. This seems like a small shift to make when we look at the benefits our children, families, communities and the wider world receive when everyone is valued and cared for. Social inclusion has wide implications far beyond the classroom but that is where they begin. When we teach from a young age with respect and compassion it reaches into all aspects of our life contributing to a sense of well being that allows us move forth with thoughtfulness and consideration.